community, transition, please pray for me! Monday PM at 7:00 est

 So... I am starting to open up to new people, slowly but surely. Or, I'm opening up to people I didn't expect to. Maybe a little out of desperation. I have a lot of loose ends from 2021, and before that and after... and I have very very few who know much of anything about me. It just, it does take time for relationships to develop, and you know, if I just started sharing my deepest darkest secrets to someone the first time I met them, I'm sure I would never see them again because that's actually unhealthy, even I can see that. It's just been painful to have no one for so long, when... I feel I've always been blessed with strong community. Sometimes it takes a little time to find, but... it's there. 

I remember... I think it's in Bonhoeffer's book Life Together... but he warns about comparing communities, and having the same expectations of one that you experienced in another. I think that's wise... I've compared communities in the past, and when the community I was in did not live up to my expectations set by my past, I was more frustrated. It's like, be thankful for your past, but don't miss what God has for you right now either. 

Anyhow, transition is uncomfortable. You feel out of place, you have to force yourself into other people's lives, so it plays on all kinds of insecurities you may have about yourself. Which, those insecurities may be exacerbated already by who or what you're leaving from your past. For example. The church I left in late 2020.  I've pretty much lost all those relationships. Not that they no longer care about me, just, I assume, they think I'm unhealthy and pray at a distance.  It's interesting because I think that church is unhealthy in different ways. So we've parted.  But... I remember one old friend telling me over the phone that she couldn't pour into me or be my friend anymore, and I was like, I don't understand. I didn't get it. God was showing me the most incredible revelations, and she wanted no part in it. Now I get it. She didn't believe the revelations. She thought it was just my brain going haywire. It took a long time for me to realize this. I was just hurt, because, deserting a friend in their time of need didn't make sense. Now I get it though. my experiences were beyond her understanding of who God is and how He moves. She is reformed, and the supernatural is simply not really in her theological framework. So, when I come out and say, God told me I'm a prophet, and I pop out a poem like I did that night, and it claims some crazy claims in it... we're inevitably parting ways, because I'm not going to deny the identity God has given me, but she is because it's not in her neat and tidy reformed box of understanding how God works. I left reformed theology behind, y'all. When you are praying against spirit husband all night long, and seeing demons leave your body, you aren't reformed. Not that my thinking isn't now shaped by that, because I was reformed for so many years, but I'm just not locked into that box anymore. 

I feel like I've found a place at my current church, but... I'm hesitant at the same time to get too comfortable, because the truth is, no one there knows all this part of me that I've blogged about the past few years. And there could be some rejection for sure. I don't know. I do know that, I love at Central how when you go up for prayer the intercessor prophecies over you. I miss that at my other church. And I know I love Central's prayer meetings. Even though I still don't speak in tongues myself. I try but I don't sound or flow like others who do speak in tongues. So then I don't feel completely like I belong there either, although I really do want to. 

I thought I could have the best of both worlds, but that may be more wishful thinking. Maybe Hannah Montana rubbed off on me too much. 

There's a new community I'm a part of, that I haven't really plugged into yet, the Core group. I like it, I like Jenny Weaver and her teaching, I love the intercession every week... I'm just... hesitant to share my enthusiasm too loudly where I am because many there would say Jenny is a false teacher. Although I think people at Central respect her ministry. People at my other church would say the Core group is a cult. Wow. When I think about this, I think maybe my transitioning isn't done and I really do need to move. It just... I don't want to because there are a few people I've grown fond of where I'm at and I know they won't understand. 

Jenny Weaver is a deliverance minister. She has teams that do deliverance twice a month for Core Members. It's hard to get into a spot. But, this past Friday I signed up, and I'm going to a deliverance session tomorrow night. 

I feel like demons are like pesky roaches, you have to kill them when they come out or else they run and hide and you can't find em. So pray that the roaches will be commanded out. 

I also feel like... where I've struggled is, maintaining my freedom and deliverance. That will be key for me. So pray that I will firmly grasp my identity and authority in Christ to keep all demonic forces away. I am sure I'll be attacked. Pray that I will fight, resist, praise, and pray. And fast. i'm not fond of that but it works. 

I have too many things going on that need attention, so pray that I can focus on the one thing God has for me right now. And... I want to know God's will, especially with my love life. 

I have many more thoughts but need to get sleep tonight, so I'll expand later. But please keep my session tomorrow night in your prayers.