Discouragement and losing vision

 

It’s been a minute… and I was contemplating what to share. I fear a sniper may have taken me out, but… I don’t know, I’m beaten and discouraged, I’m isolated… well, that’s not completely true, I have a friend who also was delivered from demons and used to be schizophrenic and is now off all medications and independent!  I don’t know if my mom would ever let me off my meds… I’m sure a lot of folks would protest me going off my meds… but it’s possible. Anyhow, she knows about spirit husband and said she’d pray for me.

               I joined the Core Group a few months ago, and I’ve sputtered out of watching it. It’s a lot, Monday nights, Tuesday nights, Thursday and Friday mornings for prayer… I really like it when I turn in, but I’ve let things distract me. That, and my mom would totally disagree with it, and some of my friends would worry I’d joined a cult. Which, is ironic, Jenny teaches how to kick demons out, and constantly warns against new age. It’s the evangelical church at large using and embracing new age crap. But I know… I joined the Core Group right when Jenny got to teaching about spirit husband.  That was a month ago now. I still haven’t been able to watch it, but this morning I watched the first part (2 hours.) I was a little asleep in part of it though. I did catch Jenny saying I HAVE TO GET SERIOUS ABOUT FASTING.

               I really don’t like fasting. And I haven’t disciplined my body in this way lately. So I’m thinking… what fast does God want me to go on? How do I know? I think part of it may be a sugar fast. The problem there is I work in an ice cream and fudge shop. There’s so much sugar there, I think I’d be breaking my fast just walking through the door. I’m debating if God wants me to fully fast the few days I can, and fast 6a-6p the other days. For a while. How long?  How long will it take to break a stronghold of however many years, at least 13, more? Sheesh. So I need a new determination to fast. 

               I don’t know what to focus on with my life. So I’m all over the place. It’s not good. I don’t want to miss what God has for me. I don’t want to be like the 5 virgins who ran out of oil, I want to be smart and have plenty of oil. But, I need to streamline my thoughts, and set some goals, and figure out what the heck I’m doing.  Apparently though I switch from enjoying my time with God to feeling like I have to have time with God to please Him, and I don’t realize I’ve done it. Which, someone has called me out for this multiple times now, and I’m like really?

               And I’m like, is God going to do all these cool things for me if I’m stumbling in this sin and can’t break free?  Will I see a miracle? Will mom be healed? Will anyone be healed, or will it just be life as usual. When you’re as discouraged as I feel right now it’s hard to have faith. I believe God, help me believe.

               The attack has come at a time of healing and breakthrough. God must think I’m ready for this battle, even though I would beg to differ. I guess, my flesh just wishes He would just kick these demons out for me. But I’m in the process somehow.

               Healing and deliverance go hand in hand. To fully receive either, I think you have to embrace both.

               So, I’m sorry I haven’t written lately, I’ve been thinking about what my next blog will be, and I think I know. Just… please pray for me, esp that I can fast and resist and praise and pray like my life depended on it… because I think it does. And, esp that I can say no to ice cream samples for 5 hours at a time when I work. But also. I feel my whole vision shifted out of whack. Anyhow. I need a fresh vision from Jesus about what my life needs to be.  Thanks!