humbled and discouraged

 

So… I was kind of humbled today. I have to have three references for this missions trip to South Asia I want to go on. I don’t have a ton of references. I haven’t been super plugged in to any church because I’ve been divided between two, so its not like I’ve been involved in a specific ministry, besides Bible Fellowship. And I started going to the prayer meeting at Central. But… I have one foot in here and the other there, and I haven’t wanted to choose.

 

I know I need to choose Central. I know that’s where my gifts will be acknowledged, encouraged, and developed. Calvary does NOT believe in prophecy, or tongues, or the gifts of the spirit for today. Even if they didn’t say they were cessationists, they are. And they certainly don’t think Christians would need deliverance.

 

I just, I really do like my Bible Fellowship class. I was making friends. But… here’s the truth of it, I think they would be very discouraging of pursing other gifts of the spirit.  I know one friend already told me, the Bible is all we need, when I was talking about prophecy. Another friend was very hurt by some oneness Pentecostals who told her her parents died of cancer because they didn’t have enough faith.

Healing. Sometimes it happens, and sometimes it doesn’t. When I read Removing the Barriers to Healing, I thought, aha, this is what the missing piece is. But I don’t have anyone to try it out with, because my mom doesn’t believe it’s possible and is convinced her current condition must be God’s will, and my best friend was apparently offended by me sending her the book, so much so that she won’t text or call. I assume that’s why she withdrew, but I’m not playing guessing games, if she wants to hold a grudge that’s really her problem. I would work through things with her, but she has cut off communication, so it’s up to her to start the conversation again.

Anyhow, the author is doing a free presentation next Friday night in Durham on how to apply the book to your life. So I’m going. My sciatica nerve pain is bad. But apparently it’s witchcraft and I need to undo many layers of curses. A lot of health problems you hear about are a result of witchcraft. Like aneurisms.

But, I see how this book would offend.  Most of the people I know don’t believe in curses like that, and would laugh at me for saying they may have a curse we need to break. I know mom has curses.

The whole premise of the book though is that our sin is the barrier to God’s healing in our lives. Anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, fear, etc etc. I’ve never prayed for someone to have healing before, who am I to tell someone, well, it’s because of your sin this hasn’t happened. I can see how this would offend.

Like, I would not just tell my friend, well, maybe your mom had some sin that was blocking the healing. I don’t think we’d be friends anymore. 

 

But, I think a lot about things that freak me out that I really shouldn’t think about, like will I really have to die by guillotine? And I’ve told God, well, if that’s how it’s gotta go down, I need to be seeing some MIRACLES up in HERE. I want to see God do something amazing!  Like, if you heard Jenny Weaver and the Core ladies talk, you would know their excitement over revival. But, it doesn’t seem like as many evangelical churches like Calvary really want revival like that. They want to stifle voices like Jenny Weaver and Isaiah Salvidar.

I guess I know what I need to do, but it’s going to be hard. The friend who was hurt by the oneness Pentecostals wouldn’t understand. And she’s maybe my closest friend. Maybe if she had a long time to listen she’d understand.

I’m just, I’m not myself at Calvary. I mean, I don’t talk about my spirit husband problems or deliverance, or tongues or prophecy, and those are very real issues to me.  I compartmentalize. I put those parts of me in a box I only take out around people at Central. But the truth is, I’m tired of doing that. I’m tired of not being known for who I really am, and I don’t know that that would change at Calvary, or that it would be allowed. But like, I spent a good two hours talking to a friend from Central, and it was very good. She actually gets me. Her story is like mine – she was bi-polar, schizophrenic, schizoaffective, and was on all these meds in and out the hospital, she finally got deliverance and Jesus set her free, no more meds, she’s a miracle of God! So, she gets where I’m coming from. She knows why I hate my meds. People at Calvary don’t understand that. They think meds are a good thing. Of course with how many got the covid vaxx you’d know most of them put a lot of faith in modern mediSin… or, I mean, medicine…

I was telling her I had a friend at Calvary I’d known since middle school that I think I freaked out when I told her I was going to a deliverance weekend last summer!  Because she avoided me for a really long time. And we’ve never hung out. Which bothered me a long time until I realized I needed to forgive her and let it go. But, is that the response I’ll get from everyone at Calvary, when I even hint at who I am?

 

So… I did have one Pentecostal friend at Calvary!  She has a very close relationship with the Father, and sought me out to pray with her for a season. She was a breath of fresh air. But we knew, we didn’t belong at Calvary. Calvary has many nice people there. But, it’s not where the gifts of the spirit and the fivefold ministry are encouraged. This friend has moved on to another Pentecostal church. She visited  Central with me and wants me to go there. She may even think I’m being disobedient in not having just committed to go there. She wouldn’t tell me that, but I know.

We actually did a class at Calvary together about missions.

Anyhow… the missions trip I mentioned at first is with Calvary. Central is planning a trip to Israel that sounds amazing, but I’m not sure I could afford it. With the missions trip, I would feel fine raising support. I’ve wanted to go on a South Asia trip ever since I heard the report from the team that went earlier this year. Now, I can’t say I saw writing in the sky telling me to go, but.

The team is going to do discipleship training of leaders there who can turn around and teach it to all the new believers. The gospel is spreading like crazy there! They are using Masterlife, a study I’ve never done but have heard good things about. Well, the leader of the trip told me two weeks ago I needed to have done the study to go. I don’t know anyone who wants to do that study! So I had a moment of, well, maybe I just go on another missions trip, and I looked up, another church has a team going to Thailand and that sounded cool. They need a commitment by mid June. So I was like, do I pivot to that trip? But then I’m hoping I’ve found a few to do Masterlife with me.

My friend who wants me to join Central, who probably knows me the best of anyone, or I thought knew me, told me she isn’t able to do my reference.

Ouch. I wasn’t expecting that.

She also let me know she doesn’t have room for me in her life at all anymore. (she is extremely busy so I get it) I hope she will at least pray for me because heaven listens when she prays. But, it just feels so… harsh. No time for me, no reference for a missions trip. What does she see lacking in me for a missions trip? Why doesn’t she tell me? Is she right, should I not pursue this trip now?

So here I am, uncertain about a missions trip and references and whether I have any real friends at all anymore.

And, I ended things with the young man from Rwanda. It was opening wounds of unmet desires. I would love to move to Rwanda, but mom isn’t healed yet. And it has taken years, YEARS, to get to a better accepting place of a reality of living in Winston-Salem. No this is not the life I would have chosen for myself, but I did choose to serve my mom, and I am here, I need to make the best of it. I did cry on the phone for Honore, though. I don’t know that I’ll find anyone like him. Well, I won’t, duh. But… I just don’t know that I’ll find someone here who will tell me the best gift they’ve ever gotten  was the Bible. And there were so many other great things about him, and he prayed for me and my mom.

 

Anyhow… I’m just discouraged now. I’m discouraged about men, I’m discouraged about church, I’m discouraged about friends, I’m discouraged about missions trips. I’m discouraged about references. You’d think surely I’d have three, but, my pickings are slim.  And when the person you thought would be a reference says they cannot be a reference, you are really thinking, what in the world in my life disqualifies me from this in your eyes?  Maybe you reading this blog would also think I shouldn’t go.

It says in proverbs faithful are the wounds of a friend. But, what if you don’t know what’s caused the wound to see what needs to heal? I just… I’m done. I don’t have a point to my rambling tonight. Sorry.