Own your life

 

Second thoughts…

 

Sorry I took down last night’s post. It tore down someone who maybe didn’t deserve it. Yes, he let me down, but if I’m honest, a lot of people let me down during that time. Maybe they all thought they were helping me, and maybe I wasn’t ready to receive help. I don’t know.

Jenny Weaver asked on FB if I think all mental illness is demons. I’m not sure. I think a lot is demons actually, but that means virtually all psychiatrists would deny that possibility as almost all of them are athiests and certainly do not believe in the supernatural. But like, in 2009 I rebuked demons in myself, and then in people around me in the hospital, and I saw things you don’t normally see, and I saw hope restored in people that were bound. I wanted to see that in 2021 but loud Pentecostals shouting at the devil get shots. There’s something ironically demonic about psych wards, they are there to help people but they are actually keeping people bound to their demons by pumping them full of meds. These issues people have are spiritual, and meds cannot address those problems but can hinder them.

My hesitation to say all mental health illness is demons is that sometimes mental health issues are natural responses to our environment and circumstances. I guess there’s a difference between grieving for a lost loved one, and being so consumed by grief you can no longer function in a healthy way. Likewise, there may be circumstances that put you in depression, but there is also a time when that natural sadness becomes an ensnarement to your life. There’s like, a fine line when what you’re dealing with is natural, and when it has opened doors to allow demons to come in.

For me, well, I’ve had the spirit husband problem so long, and I know other demons have been around. So it would not surprise me if there was a spirit of depression blinding me to what others were trying to say and do to help me from 2009 to 2019. It was probably a combination of my not being able or willing to hear people around me, and then other people not wanting to offend me or step on toes or hurt me. It’s not fair for me to assign ill will to my old pastor or any of the people in my life at that time. People do the best they can, no one is perfect.

It is interesting that, in 2019, it was kindof a stranger who confronted me about things. Well, Jonah was empowering. So was Kim. Kim was in a more harsh confrontational way.

So, I’ve always struggled with my weight, and my meds haven’t helped. But, I remember Kim and me discussing this very vividly. She was blunt, she said, you can’t blame your meds anymore, being overweight puts you at risk for health issues you don’t want, you are responsible to change your lifestyle and your diet, you can lose weight. Ouch. I was kind of stunned. But I knew, she was right.

I had some very health conscious friends I went to and asked for their help, and they actually wanted to help me!  And guess what, I did lose the weight! It felt really good!

So in 2021 when my meds got switched and they turned on a hunger trigger and I ate everything around and gained the weight back, it was pretty devastating.

Well, a month ago I had enough and was like, I’m done blaming my meds again, I’m getting a trainer, I’m getting help. So goes the weight loss journey again.

I had to do it in my time though, when I was ready.

In a facebook group I’m in, someone posed a question, if you could give any advice to your 20 year old self in three words, what would you say. I thought about it, and there’s the obvious spiritual answer of trust the Lord, which, is important, maybe most important, I’m not saying that’s bad. But for me, the advice I would give myself is, Own Your Life.

Our decisions are what make us. Our life is the result of the decisions we make. We have no one to blame but ourselves and our bad decisions when things don’t go right. I wallowed in depression and self pity those ten years, and no one else is responsible for me wasting that time in my life.

Owning your life seems harsh, but it’s actually very empowering. You have the power to change your life when you are no longer a victim to circumstance.

A good book that really dives into this, taking personal responsibility for all your choices, is Darren Hardy’s book, The Compound Effect. He gives it away for free in the summer, or the audio version for free as well. But, I recommend it and I’m going to pick it up to re-read it again.

Anyhow, I guess this is all to say, even though I feel let down by my old pastor, it’s not his fault for my life being what it was at that time. It’s not right for me to hold him responsible, like he should have fixed me. He probably tried, I’m sure several people tried, but I wasn’t ready or able to hear what they were trying to say.

It’s just really easy to blame others for your poor choices or whatever you don’t like about your life. And when you blame someone else, you don’t have to change because it’s their fault, not yours.

Now… that doesn’t take away the sting of being offended, but it does give you better perspective of, that person tried to help me however they could, and did not purposefully let me down. And, then you realize you really do need to forgive them.

Anyhow, I’ve screwed up with plenty of others big time, and they’ve shown me grace, so I need to be willing to do the same to them as well.

Own your life. 100%. It’s the only life God has given you. John Piper said it in four words: Don’t waste your life. That’s another good book as well.