Regrets

 

You know when sometimes something seems like a good idea in your mind, and then you know maybe it’s not, but then you justify it somehow?  Maybe part of it was when you were not in your right mind, but maybe part of it you knew what you were doing and that maybe you really shouldn’t do it. But you think it’s okay, and you rationalize it, and you even convince yourself it’s good, and the other person likes it. But then you realize that, maybe you’ve misread the situation.

I’m trying to be vague here. Even though a blog is kind of an online journal. Which, I do journal, writing helps me process things, it always has. Maybe I don’t journal enough, apparently. I don’t know.

I think, if the dream was an accurate barometer of the actual state of things between me and this other person, I hurt them. And I am sorry for that. I will stop the behavior that hurt them. I really, in my head, had rationalized that they actually liked it. You just convince yourself of what you want to be true, you know?  Like, I really want this to happen, so if I just do this, maybe it will happen…

I only hope this person forgives me, not because I deserve it, I don’t. Because… I don’t want them to fall for satan’s bait. I don’t want that person to hold onto anger towards me, and resentment, and bitterness, and then, lose their anointing. That person is a pretty special person to a lot of people, and I hope they protect their ministry and not let someone stupid like me screw it up over an offense.

I am sorry, but this isn’t the right place to put details down. I already have journaled about it, but… now I regret my behavior, and see that I wasn’t in the right at all. You know when you suddenly realize how wrong you were, and you wish you could take it all back, but you can’t, and you don’t know how to fix it? I’m such a fool.