I'm not Presbyterian anymore, but am I Southern Baptist or Pentecostal?

 

So… it’s been interesting for me to reflect on my different church experiences lately. I grew up in an evangelical Southern Baptist church, which I do love and am grateful for the way it shaped and molded my faith. In college God led me to a similar, like-minded Southern Baptist church. In Colorado I also eventually wound up at a Southern Baptist church. When I moved back to North Carolina, I resisted the pull to my home church at first, but really it was only a matter of time before I wound up back there. Then, some interesting things went down with my small group and it split off and I split off to a different church, a small PCA church. Then I ended up going back to the church plant of my small group, and they ended up joining the PCA as well. And then… 2020 happened.

So, what I love about Southern Baptist churches, or at least the ones I’ve been blessed to be a part of, is, they are very missions oriented. They are looking for people to share the Gospel with locally and abroad. I thought for so long I would wind up as a missionary in a Muslim country, or that I would do missionary care overseas as well. I have kindof given up on those thoughts. Taking care of my mom has killed those dreams. Still my heart is there, and I pray towards the great commission being fulfilled soon.

The PCA is a reformed denomination. I was reformed since college, maybe before that, I just didn’t have a definition to it until college. To me, the PCA churches I went to did not share the same sense of urgency in getting the gospel out particularly to unreached people groups. And, I always wondered, if that was because they would say they just trust in God’s sovereignty. And I always thought, what about our responsibility to share. Anyhow, I did love some things about my PCA churches. They were more intellectual in their approach to scripture and seeing the Gospel unfold throughout the whole Bible. They were intentional about pretty much everything they did, which I really liked. I tell you what I didn’t like, though. I didn’t like when the pastors used the enneagram.

Ahhh… the enneagram. The personality test that was actually demonically inspired. For some reason that fact has been muddled over by many many many who want to use the enneagram and promote it in the church. Oh, I cannot tell you how angry it makes me that the evangelical church is just embracing it, along with tons of other new age crap. NEW AGE is just repackaged satanism. People need to wake up.

Anyhow, my church was trying to help me, but I couldn’t hear them or anything because I didn’t trust them because they were using the enneagram. Like, I literally couldn’t do what they were asking. They gave me a choice. I could submit my complaint to the session. But, if the session came back and said using the enneagram was okay, I would have to submit to that decision and let it go. Or, I could leave the church. Those were my options.

When the pastors told me those options, I knew immediately I would have to leave. I stayed for that nights service, but it was the last one I went to. I’m not okay with occult tools being used in the church, period, no matter what any session says. If a pastor can’t discern that themselves, I don’t know that I trust that pastor. What’s next, the preacher coming in and saying the Ouija board told me to preach this today?  Sheesh we have lost our minds in the church, it is not okay.

This happened in November of 2020. So began a new church hunt. I did visit my old church, but it’s Southern Baptist, and I know the enneagram is all over the SBC, so I wanted to avoid that battle. I found a nice, reformed Baptist church to visit, and it was nice, different. I asked a pastor if they believed in the enneagram, and he didn’t know what I was talking about. I was like good, it’s not worth knowing anything about. Still, that church didn’t feel like home.

This is where a lot of things collided for me. I had seen Dr. Stella Immanuel on The Candace Owens Show on PragerU. Dr. Stella said she had a ministry, Fire Power Ministries. I don’t remember when this interview was, but I didn’t think about looking up the ministry until later, I guess in November or December.

Fire Power Ministries, which branched off of Mountain Fire and Miracles Ministries, well, both are Pentecostal ministries. Now, I don’t know a lot about Pentecostalism, except growing up I knew I wasn’t that.

But, if you believe you have a spirit husband problem, and the prayer points you pray outloud from these ministries help you shake off demons, you may be Pentecostal. You certainly aren’t reformed.

If I lived in Raleigh I’d go to the MFM branch there. I spoke with Pastor Stephen, and he is very wise. I went to their deliverance weekend last summer. I didn’t do well with the fasting, it was rough on me. But they are very strict. Women have to wear longer dresses, at least past the knees, uber conservative. They emphasize living a holy life. Taking the narrow way. I’m sure no drinking. But, these people have POWER in their prayers.

When I was in the hospital in Feb 2021, I had two visitors. Well, three, but I only saw two. One was my friend Yolanda, who brought me to the hospital, and visited me a week later in there. She is a special friend to our family. The other was a pastor from the church of my youth, and he was so sweet. That made an impression on me.  The one I didn’t get to see was a friend that I had wanted to become a boyfriend but it wasn’t meant to be. Which is okay because I was married to Antonio at the time and wasn’t sure how I would tell the other guy, nor was I sure what the other guy would think of me. People might think it a little strange when I tell them, I married Jesus in the psych ward. I don’t know, maybe I’m strange to think it’s kindof a cool place to do something like that. Whatever.

The day I left the hospital, that night is when my pastor from the church I had just left would have visited. I’m glad he didn’t. I think he really truly would have upset me. He did upset me on the phone the next week. I got so ticked, I hung up on him. Haven’t talked to him since. I have thought… maybe we should be reconciled. But… I don’t trust things to turn out well. I have been convicted though that I need to forgive him for how he hurt me in the past, and we will see if there will eventually be reconciliation.

 

Because the pastor who did visit me was from Calvary, I decided maybe that’s where God would have me for now. It’s not perfect, but the people love the Lord. When I first got out of the hospital, I wasn’t driving. I didn’t drive for at least two months, it may have been three. It was people from Calvary, and my mom’s friends, who took me everywhere I needed to be. I always had a ride to church, whether it was a neighbor down the street, or an old friend from Bible Fellowship. At first, there was no Bible Fellowship going on. But that picked up again and thus began a search to find a smaller tribe to belong to.

I went to the Young Professionals class for a few months. It was okay, I did meet some friends, but the leader of the class had asked me out previously and still liked me, and it was a strange dynamic because I didn’t share the same feelings towards him. I actually helped lead the class a few times, he wanted me to be there to pull in young women. But, he insulted me and made me angry and I was like, I’m never going back there again. 

There may be a theme of people making me angry I need to really deal with. Huh.

I decided to visit a married couples class. Then I went to another campus a while and visited classes there. Then I went back to our main campus. I got really flustered trying to get to know people. And I knew, there’s part of me that doesn’t fit in here anyway. Part of me wanted to find a Pentecostal church. But. I know nothing about that. I had no clue where to start, so I left that to God. He would bring me to a new church in His time.

I went to a Bible Fellowship class last February and met an old friend. And we got together for coffee to catch up, and I got excited, thinking we would connect in a deeper way. But then, she was always busy. Always busy. We haven’t gotten together one on one since, and when I’ve tried to feel things out, I’ve read between the lines, this isn’t going to be a real supportive friendship for me. That one’s actually hurt a lot too. It’s confusing when you get mixed messages from someone, let’s be friends, but then, when you’re hurting and could really use them, they’re no where to be found. I am in the process of forgiving her, like, I’ve made that decision but I’m praying for her so my heart will catch up to that decision.

I was not consistent at church at all last year. I would work late Saturday nights, have to put mom to bed, not get to bed till 1:30, or later, and struggle in the mornings to get up at all. I was depressed, and I didn’t have anything to look forward to there. It was lonely. When I went I was surrounded by people who all already knew each other well, and I wasn’t the best at asserting myself into new friendships. Plus my confidence was shaken by the old friend giving me the cold shoulder. I think, well, I know now, there were some other girls who saw my struggle, but it’s taken, really until this year, this March, for us to actually have connected outside of church. Still, I’ll take it.

But… last year, I was also dealing with spirit husband. I decided to let someone else pray for me in deliverance, and reached out to a young woman who invited me to her church in High Point. She told me, it’s a spirit filled church. I somehow knew she meant Pentecostal. I went, and it was good, yet… I’m very… I don’t know if I’m discerning, too critical, have a religious spirit or what. I’m hesitant to jump in somewhere new. I observe.

Pentecostals are more emotional in their worship. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Some Baptists and Presbyterians could learn how to engage their heart more in worship. But, they tend to seek an experience with God and sometimes miss the part of reaching out to share the Gospel as well.

Jamie is a prophetess. When she prays for someone she listens to God and shares what He tells her about that person. So, it’s actually really fun to pray with her.

She’s not the only one there with that gift. I’ve had two others pray with me and embrace me and pour God’s love into me so that I know it is Him reaching me through them.

The people there are so nice. I know they love the Lord. The church is way more diverse than anywhere I’ve ever been. They do deliverance, they get my struggles. I can share my worries about eating in dreams and not be judged.

But… there’s a tendency for Pentecostals to fall for the health and wealth prosperity gospel which makes me very wary. A guest pastor talked about TD Jakes the other week, and it turned me off because, TD Jakes is a false preacher. He’s been judged already.

And… I’m not sure how heavily influenced they are by the N.A.R. movement, that’s led by Bethel Redding. New Apostolic Reformation. It’s very cult-like, and it’s also sneaking into many Pentecostal churches because it’s very charismatic.

So… there are those things I’m not so sure about, but they explore gifts I wouldn’t experience at my other church. And, I was right to think that church embraces the enneagram. So, it’s not like there’s a clear cut, definitely go here answer. So, I’ve been going to one church for Bible Fellowship, and the other for worship. But I know I’m going to have to choose and invest in one whole heartedly.

One is familiar, and easy. And very missions driven, which I love. The other seeks to dwell in God’s presence continually, which might be what I need as well.

My tendency, the idols God revealed to me in college, where that I elevated ministry above my personal relationship with God. He took my ministry away, and it crippled me at first, but then I grew a much richer, more intimate relationship with Him because of it. It was really hard though, what I was finding identity in was stripped away. But even a good thing, when you put it above Christ, can be an impediment in your walk with the Lord.

So… I’m working through this. I have a Pentecostal friend who is encouraging me to go to the new church. I have a former Pentecostal friend who, she won’t tell me what to do, but she is a former Pentecostal so that gives you a clue where she currently stands. But she’s talking through things with me and giving her honest observations about the good and the bad she saw growing up in that denomination. I think she’s a little surprised I’m exploring that. But I’m thankful to talk to her about it.

So, you can pray the Holy Spirit would lead me. And I would discern His voice.

 

Also, there is a lot of hurt I’m dealing with. Because of what happened in 2021, I lost my closest friends, from my PCA church, and that stings. And blog posts where I go after Harry Potter and Yoga and the Enneagram, may or may not have hurt some people. I won’t apologize for it though because I know God doesn’t like those things and wants us to repent from them. So it may just be that I’ve lost those friends for good. And, these were people I walked closely with for years, who knew me, who loved me. They just think I have mental health issues I need to deal with, but they refuse to talk to me about things at the same time. 

So, I’m still at this weird, no one really knows me phase. I finally have hope things will turn around, but it will take time. I just need to decide where I need to commit to and plug in all the way.