Choices

 

Life is a series of choices and decisions we make. Sometimes we make better decisions, sometimes we make foolish decisions. But all decisions have consequences, whether good or bad, and  we live with them.

I decided to take the full time job I wanted instead of the part time job I thought I would take. It will be a lot of time, 5 full days a week, and the hours are a bit later than traditional hours. But it is an escape to me. An escape from setting up my mom at lunch.

Why does helping my mom at lunch bother me so much?  I have to help her get set up in her bed and put voltaren on her. If she goes to the bathroom I have to help her up from the potty chair, and then when she’s done in the bathroom 45 minutes later, I have to empty her poop. Then, I have to actually help her in the chair, which takes 15 minutes or so, and then I get her lunch and set her up for the day. I just hate that I never feel like I can do anything, like life revolves around her needs. I do feel bad though, we were trying to talk about this decision and she said she doesn’t know what she’s going to do for help at lunch and I was like, it’s not my problem I shouldn’t have to do it every day anyway, and she was like, yeah well you’re paying for it, and I was like fine, I hate doing it that much I’m happy to pay someone else to do it. And I yelled. So now I feel bad.

I have a lot of pent up frustration with taking care of my mom. I don’t know. I shouldn’t have yelled, it was ugly. I love my mom. I’m angry at the situation though. If I only work part time, I’ll never be able to financially escape it. And, mom wouldn’t let me do a cool entrepreneurial adventure. She doesn’t believe I can do anything. Which also makes me angry.

I have to forgive mom in my heart a lot. That sounds bad, but I really want to blame her for screwing up my life. Taking care of her has been a sacrifice. But, I’m glad I have up until now. I mean, I’m glad I’ve chosen to take care of her, because I do love her. It’s just, it’s been really really hard. I know she can’t help that she’s handicapped and getting weaker and can’t do anything for herself. I just, I can’t handle things, I need a break from every day doing things for her. I feel like a slave, not a servant. It’s not heathy, it’s a sick codependency we can’t get out of. I don’t know where she ends and I begin.

So I chose the job that’s an escape. It’s not just an escape from mom. It’s an escape from the truth that my life is kindof empty right now. Empty of community. Empty of close friends. Empty of purpose.

I thought working part time would give me time to write, but I haven’t written didly squat the past 6 months.  When I had to be at work at 4, I slept in, got up to make mom breakfast, shortly after helped her get up for the day, cooked lunch, then out the door for work till 9, then come home and clean up my mess from lunch. It wasn’t a day of production. Then I would feel guilty for not having done anything with my day. And it wound up being 6 nights a week. I stayed there 2 months and left quick.

Then I took a part time job working mornings. I didn’t really want the job, but the schedule was good, but my performance wasn’t good, and it lasted 3 weeks.

Even there, I would be coming home to help mom in the afternoon, not going to workout at a gym or to the library to read and write. I would have to go from helping her to cooking and cleaning.

I know if I had a family, I would be responsible for taking care of them, but it’s different when you’ve chosen to create a life and a family with someone you love, versus feeling it’s been forced on you without giving you a choice. I mean, I guess I could just have decided to not take care of my mom, but that seems heartless, I love her and want to do what I can for her, she’s done all she could for me.

I’ve struggled with making friends the past year and a half.  Well… I guess maybe it’s because I’ve had a lot of insecurity about myself. After losing so many close friends from my own church, it’s hard to put myself out there. So I’ve not put myself out there enough, and if people don’t know you need them, they don’t know. And it’s really easy when I don’t know anyone that well to think oh they’re too busy for me. Because people always seem busy. So, that’s a recipe for no community and no friends of any depth.

I will say, I’m going on a women’s retreat next weekend, and that should help me get to know other women beyond a superficial level. Maybe I’ll make new friends, but then have decided to take a job where I’ll have no time to see them besides Sunday morning.

But I think I’ll like my co-workers.  

I don’t know. There’s no way to make both me and mom happy. But here’s the thing. I think we’re on borrowed time, and that everything really is about to change within the next 6 months. Probably sooner. And I don’t know that there will be normal jobs part time or full time anymore. I’m not sure what’s in store, but it won’t be normal, and I don’t think it will be good either. Mom doesn’t know that I’m going into this thinking I might work 2 months and then the world will implode.  

Anyhow. I want mom to be taken care of, but I don’t want to be the one taking care of her anymore. I would rather pay money for someone else to do it. Like I’ve told her, I would still live with her, if I could pay someone else to put her to bed at night.  Sounds easy, but finding someone to work 3 nights a week in our economy where no one is staying at a job for a long time and also that is someone who is trustworthy, kind, compassionate, loving, happy, funny, Christian, all that is really hard to find. But the way I exploded on mom just now, this is past due. It should have happened a long time ago.

I’m not going to say this is the life I’ve always wanted. I would have loved to have gotten married and had kids, of course. Then my life would have looked way different than now. Now I’m just trying to do things with the circumstance I do have.

If things were different, I would pursue an air bnb business. Or try to sell life insurance again. I guess since I think things will be so short term, I’m choosing the full time job instead. I wouldn’t tell people that, but if you’re reading this, you know. Not that scooping ice cream wouldn’t be fun. But sales is a different kind of fun, and I’m excited to work somewhere where customers come in to you wanting what you have, instead of trying to chase people down. 

Well… I’ve made my choice. In some ways it’s about escaping my mom more than anything. I’ll still take care of her my off nights. I don’t know, there’s going to be a different level of stress in the house now. Oh I didn’t think about that. Mom is going to be stressed and unhappy. Which is going to affect me, make me not pleasant. But either way I’m going to be tempted to just be resentful of her. I hate this. I hate this situation so much. I just want to love my mom and not have these angry frustrated feelings towards her. I do love her, and then I hate myself for being angry towards her. Maybe I haven’t made my decision yet after all.