After a little sleep and a long time with the Lord...

 It’s funny how quickly God can work when you allow Him to.

So, I woke up at 5:10 am this morning after a bad dream, I won’t detail here, but it was disturbing enough that I couldn’t just fall back asleep, even though I was tired and wanted to.

Then I started thinking about my fight last night with mom about my job choice. And I cried in anger, I cried to the Lord. I cried in pain. Why am I so angry, I don’t want to be angry? Why is my life so unfair? Why aren’t things different than they are?

So then it was obvious I wasn’t going back to sleep, so I got up and began to journal my prayers and what I was thinking to God.

So… a week ago I had accepted the part time job, but then been bothered all week and upset and wished I’d taken the full time job, and I was at peace taking it, I talked to a few people about pros and cons, I contacted them and said, I’m in. But I didn’t contact the PT job yet, because I felt bad, and I just hadn’t.

Then I had my fight with mom last night. I was angry. And I felt bad that I was angry. I hate that I get so angry towards my mom when I love her and the last thing I want is to be angry towards her. But, even as I said the things I said in a very ugly way, I was like, this is not healthy to be coming out of me, it’s mean, it’s just making her feel bad. But, I wanted that job. But, she was upset, like, who will help me at lunch, who will feed me? And I felt like, well, if I make this decision based on her and don’t do what I’d like to, I’ll resent her. But then, I wrote, “But I know this. I cannot control mom. If she’s vitriolent  over me taking the job at __________, I may be miserable. But if I take the job at Kilwin’s, I can have a shot at controlling my own emotions. But that’s hard. I feel like I’ve forgiven mom, but there’s more I need to forgive her for, I need to be specific. So here goes…”

“I forgive mom for making me come to NC and give up dreams and fun things in CO. I loved CO. I know she didn’t force me or twist my arm, I came because I love her, but also partly because I felt guilty for loving CO and leaving her alone in NC. I wish I had had entirely sweet motives, but it was guilt.

“I forgive mom for making me pay rent and making me take care of her at the same time. I was stressed, it was bad, I still think it was unfair. But I forgive her, she was needing the money to pay rent and didn’t have businesses to pay her bills.

“I forgive mom for using me and running me into the ground until I snapped and went into the hospital.

“I forgive mom for asking me to take care of Kissy (our dog) when she went to the hospital and forcing me to leave the friends I was living with. I think so much could have turned out differently had I continued living with them.

“I forgive mom for using me to cook and clean and do her businesses. I want to work for her to help her because I know she needs it, and she’d pay, but I feel too much like a slave and don’t want more of her businesses on me. And then I feel guilty for that. Cooking almost every night and then having to clean… I forgive her for not being able to contribute at all.”

At this point my alarm went off, it was 6:45 am. I heard,

“He is up to something
He is up to something
God is doing something right now
He is up to something
He is up to something
God is doing something right now

He is healing someone
He is saving someone
God is doing something right now
He is healing someone
He is saving someone
God is doing something right now (right now)

He is moving mountains
Making a way for someone
God is doing something right now, right now
He is moving mountains
Making a way for someone (yeah)
God is doing something right now, right now

He is moving mountains
Making a way for someone
God is doing something right now

All of my hope (yeah)
Is in the name (the name)
The name of Jesus (of Jesus)
Said breakthrough will come
Come in the name
The name of Jesus

All of my hope (is in the name)
Is in the name (said)
The name of Jesus
Breakthrough will come
Come in the name
The name of Jesus

God, turn it around
Turn it around
God, turn it around
Turn it around
Turn it around”

 

(John Reddick)

 

I laughed to myself because I knew, yup, God is up to something, He’s changing my heart, only He could do that…

 

“I know mom would love to cook and clean. I know she wants things to be different too.

“I forgive mom for being handicapped. She cannot control it. I forgive her for any curses I inherited from her, her side of the family. I know she doesn’t believe in curses, but from what I’ve learned she’s got some. I’d help her break it, but she doesn’t believe. I’d pray for her healing, but she doesn’t believe you would.”

 

Elevation Worship sings out:

“O God, my God, I need You
O God, my God, I need You now
How I need You now
O Rock, O Rock of ages
I'm standing on Your faithfulness
On Your faithfulness”

 

“Lord, it makes me sad. Of course you want to heal her, maybe now more than ever, because she’s hurting, and I’m hurting, and You love us, We are your children! You want to heal us! I said something about God healing her maybe a week ago, and she said, yeah right, and I know there’s hurt, pain, disappointment, and unbelief, and fear that if she dared hope for healing her and she didn’t get it she would be crushed.”

For King and Country blares:

“Wide awake while the world is sound asleepin'
Too afraid of what might show up while you're dreamin'
Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you
Nobody, nobody, nobody would believe you
Every day you try to pick up all the pieces
All the memories, they somehow never leave you
Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you
Nobody, nobody, nobody would believe you
God only knows what you've been through
God only knows what they say about you
God only knows how it's killing you
But there's a kind of love that God only knows
God only knows what you've been through
God only knows what they say about you
God only knows the real you
There's a kind of love that God only knows”

“Mom has a lot of hurt that she hids from everyone, even herself, because she’s scared if she feels it it will kill her. She keeps her mind occupied with TV probably to keep it from wandering to depressed places. Mom is strong for Seth and me. Mom is broken and needs healing on the inside, maybe before she gets healing on the outside.”

Sidewalk Prophets

“Oh, my God
I remember when I cried
Shook my fists up at the sky
I wondered why
You felt so far from me

Oh, God
It was in my deepest pain
That I heard You call my name
I heard You say
That You were right there with me

Love was standing there
Holding me
But I couldn't see
That love was always there
He carried me
And now, I believe

Oh, my God
I know You heard me when I cried
'Cause You were right there by my side
I realized
That You have never left me

Oh, God
It was in my deepest pain
That I heard You call my name
I heard You say
That You were right there with me”

 

“I forgive mom for her needs trumping the decisions that I want. I do want the job at __________. But now I think I’m staying with Kilwin’s.”

 

Rescue, Lauren Daigle

You are not hidden
There's never been a moment
You were forgotten
You are not hopeless
Though you have been broken
Your innocence stolen

I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS

I will send out an army
To find you in the middle of the darkest
Night, it's true
I will rescue you

There is no distance
That cannot be covered
Over and over (Ooh)
You're not defenseless
Oh, I'll be your shelter
I'll be your armor (Ooh)

I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS

I will send out an army (Ooh)
To find you in the middle of the darkest
Night, it's true
I will rescue you

I will never stop marchin'
To reach you in the middle of the hardest
Fight, it's true
I will rescue you

I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear you whisper, you have nothing left

I will send out an army
To find you in the middle of darkest
Night, it's true
I will rescue you

I will never stop marchin'
To reach you in the middle of the hardest
Fight, it's true
I will rescue you

Oh, I will rescue you

 

 

Fill My Cup, Andrew Ripp

“Fill my cup, Lord
Run it over
Give me love, give me joy
Give me peace (Oh-oh-oh)
Fill my cup, Lord
Run it over
I am Your child in need
Lord, I need You (Oh-oh-oh)”

 

“Lord… there are probably other things I have to forgive my mom for that I couldn’t think of at this moment. As they come to mind, and do jog my memory, help me confess and submit it to You, and forgive her from my heart.

“I love my mom, Lord. She’s been incredible. I’m so thankful for her. She’s so funny, always making me smile or laugh. She knows how to brighten my day. She loves me. She provides for me, shelter and food. She gives me gifts. She is a good friend. She is honest. She really cares about me and wants to see me succeed. She is a quiet cheerleader. She’s proud of me. She doesn’t like watching me fail. She does all she physically can for me. She’s patient with me. She sacrifices for me. Sometimes I only think about what I sacrifice for her, but she sacrifices for me too.

 

“Okay Lord, I texted _____ one more time to tell him sorry, I can’t work there. I feel more at peace this time. I wanted that job, but I want peace in our house more. Mom would have had a bad attitude, but by your grace, I can accept a humble PT job making just a little money for now.

“I forgive mom for trapping me with her needs when I could and should have moved out with friends. I lived with _________ for a month and stayed at home every other night. ___________ asked me to live with her. Help me forgive mom and let it go.”

 

I need to add, Mom is an incredible example of faith in Christ, faith that perseveres over time through fiery trials and circumstances, and trusts God to provide and protect her, and has a sweet testimony of God doing just that her whole life.

 

So, that’s been my morning, it’s been pretty sweet. I even indulged in a cup of coffee. But, it’s funny how God can change a heart, and He can do it a lot faster when your submitted to him. It is a miracle what God does in our hearts, we don’t see it but, we do know it.

I do think music is magical, btw. God is always singing to us, if we listen.

Zephaniah 3:17 ESV

The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

 

“I'm living proof
Of what the mercy of God can do
If you knew me then, you'd believe me now
You turned my whole life upside down
Took the old and He made it new
That's just what the mercy of God can do” Elevation Worship